In certain situations I WAS more fun when I was drinking. I was a fun drunk. I didn't get mean. Or weepy (much). I just really liked to have a good time. Alcohol made me uninhibited and when you're as insecure as I've always been, it's a necessary evil in social situations (or so I believed).
For example, there's a New Year's Eve party we've gone to for a few years. I went to it for two years sober and we skipped it altogether this year. Why did we skip it this year? Because the tequila flows, people get really drunk, and although I dance and laugh and all that, it's an effort to really have fun. In fact, it's freaking exhausting!
Example #2. My hometown BFF's and I get together every year for a girl's weekend. The first year we went we had so much fun on one night, drinking and talking and just being silly. We were so loud when we got back to our room that the front desk called and said if we didn't quiet down they would have to call the police. I think that's the year we turned 50. Ooops. Of course we had consumed copious amounts of alcohol (me more than anyone else cause they're normies) which loosened our tongues and got us all, "I love you guys!!!!". And it was FUN. Of course my one friend was up all night throwing up, we suspect because she had too much wine, and it kind of put a damper on the rest of the weekend...but, well...oh well.
Fortunately these ladies can take the booze or leave it and last year we went to Charleston and had so much fun that I was afraid we were going to get another call from the front desk. This time no one threw up and there were no hangovers but part of me kept thinking, "Man this would be fun with some wine." Of course that's because I insisted that we go to a bar one night and I felt self-conscious because they weren't drinking when we went to dinner the next night...but that was MY mistake. I felt like I had to keep doing what we'd been doing for 30 years so they would still love me.
Which brings me to today's particular epiphany. When I first got sober, I had the feeling that I had to keep doing everything I did before to prove that I was okay. I felt like I had to prove to everyone that my addiction couldn't control me and didn't dictate what I could do and what I couldn't do. I felt like I had to learn to do everything I used to do only sober. I wanted everyone to still like me and not focus on the fact that I was an alcoholic and could no longer drink.
I've now realized that that's a big fat load of fucking bullshit.
I am a grown ass woman (finally) and if my definition of fun has changed then so be it and I don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks of that fact.
Here are some new facts:
- I no longer find grown up, drinking parties fun. I'm more the quiet dinner party type where I will serve wine but I don't have to feel like I need to get your drunk to have a good time.
- New Year's Eve will heretofore be spent at home with my family or just the hubs (I realize my children have their own lives now).
- Girl's weekend with my hometown BFF's will continue as long as I breathe and can afford it. And if I can't afford it we'll just pick a house and get together.
- Date night (as mentioned in a prior post) will resume but will be different. I'm excited to see what it will look like.
- I have no desire to go to bars and hang around. Honestly, I don't even want to go there to eat. I have work obligations that require I do some of this and quite frankly, it's the part of my job I like the least.
- All of these changes are because I am an alcoholic. I don't drink anymore and yes, that means if you want to spend time with me you'll have to do it my way.
- And the friends that I love most in this world also love me...drunk or sober...fat or skinny...young or old.
Just typing this makes me feel good. Like I'm taking back some of the control my addiction has on me. Whether we want to admit it or not, our inability to drink like normies DOES impact our lives.
It's how we choose to handle it that makes all the difference.